In this episode, Shanice Jones Cameron, Ph.D. and Rhodes Blake, discuss the challenges and experiences of working full-time, managing a side business, fitting in creative self-care, all while being a mom with young children. As an elopement photographer, Rhodes discusses the motivations behind eloping, the challenges of planning a traditional wedding, and the freedom and reduced stress of elopement. She also gives us valuable insights on hiring a photographer and the significance of open communication and rapport during a photo shoot. Rhodes also shares her unexpected journey into photography, and they also talk about the need for creative self-care as well as the importance of being present, and giving yourself grace in motherhood.

Takeaways

• Eloping offers freedom and reduced stress compared to traditional wedding planning.
• Open communication and rapport with a photographer are essential for capturing authentic moments.
• Creative self-care is an important aspect of personal well-being and should be pursued regardless of age or societal expectations.
• The realities of motherhood, especially raising multiple young children, come with unique challenges and experiences. Balancing work and family as a working mom is a significant challenge, and it’s important to find ways to be present in both roles.
• Self-care and giving oneself grace are essential for maintaining mental and emotional well-being while managing the demands of work and family.
• Establishing a schedule and being intentional about free time can help working moms find balance and create space for personal growth and creative passions.
• The constant demand of giving to others as a working mom can lead to burnout, making self-care and breaks essential for maintaining a healthy balance.
• Community support and finding a network of like-minded individuals can provide working moms with the encouragement and understanding they need to navigate the challenges of motherhood and career.

  Show Notes

https://herguidedevolution.com/momsandcreativeselfcare

  Let’s Connect:

Website: https://herguidedevolution.comYoutube: https://youtube.com/@herguidedevolution
Instagram: https://instagram.com/herguidedevolution

Connect with Rhodes

Website: https://www.rhodesblakephotography.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/rhodesblakephotography/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/rhodesblakephotography

  Free Resources:

FREE Quiz: What is Your Self-Care Personality? https://herguidedevolution.com/quiz/
FREE Daily Self-Care Plan: https://herguidedevolution.com/plan
FREE Journal Prompts: https://herguidedevolution.com/4

Dr. Zarya Rubin, a Harvard-educated functional medicine physician and burnout expert, shares her journey and the connection between early childhood trauma and burnout. She notes that burnout is characterized by extreme tiredness, cynicism, and decreased productivity. Early childhood trauma can increase the risk of developing burnout later in life. We also learn that the mind-body connection is crucial in understanding burnout and its physical impact. According to Dr. Zarya, functional medicine takes a holistic approach, considering the whole person and the interconnectedness of body systems. It focuses on achieving health and balance by addressing the root cause of symptoms. Functional medicine also emphasizes personalized care, taking into account an individual’s genetic makeup, biochemistry, and other factors. Dr. Zarya also shares practical (and brilliant!) advice on what we can do to reduce our risk of burnout, so be sure to listen to the end!

Let’s Connect:

Youtube: https://youtube.com/@herguidedevolution
Instagram: https://instagram.com/herguidedevolution

Connect with Dr. Zarya

Instagram: www.instagram.com/drzaryarubin
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/drzaryarubin/
Facebook Private Women’s Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/268114707221770/
Newsletter: https://drzarya.myflodesk.com/burnouttobalance
TEDx Talk: https://youtu.be/xfubAfgkUzE?si=E9VwHS7uR6UtfNvn

Free Resources:

FREE Quiz: What is Your Self-Care Personality? https://herguidedevolution.com/quiz/
FREE Daily Self-Care Plan: https://herguidedevolution.com/plan
FREE Journal Prompts: https://herguidedevolution.com/4

In this conversation, Dr. Shanice Jones Cameron interviews Jen Fontanilla, a money mindset coach, about her journey and the intersection of money, finance, and creativity. Jen shares her experience transitioning from a career in graphic design to becoming a financial advisor and how she helps creatives break through the stereotype of the starving artist. They discuss the concept of money stories and the importance of being conscious of how we talk about money, especially in front of children. Jen also provides actionable tips for parents to shape their children’s perspectives on money. In this conversation, Jen Fontanilla, a money mindset coach, shares her insights on teaching children about money. She discusses the importance of instilling a healthy outlook on money and how to navigate financial conversations with children. Jen emphasizes the need for children to see physical money and understand where it comes from. She also shares her personal journey as a mother and co-parent, highlighting the challenges she faced and the importance of positive communication about money. Overall, the conversation provides valuable advice for parents on teaching children about money.

Takeaways

Creativity and finance can intersect, and it is possible to build wealth while pursuing artistic passions.
Money stories, which are beliefs and ideologies about money that we inherit from childhood, shape our relationship with money.
It is important to be conscious of how we talk about money, especially in front of children, as it influences their money stories and beliefs.
Parents can shape their children’s perspectives on money by speaking about money in an abundance mindset and avoiding judgmental comments.
Taking care of oneself and finding a balance between work and rest is crucial for long-term success and a healthy relationship with money. Instill a healthy outlook on money in children by teaching them the value of saving, investing, and giving.
Children should see physical money and understand where it comes from to avoid a misconception that money comes from thin air.
Positive communication about money is crucial in co-parenting situations to avoid conflicts and provide a healthy financial environment for children.
Teach children about opportunity cost and the importance of making informed decisions about spending and saving.
Create an environment where children feel comfortable asking questions and having open discussions about money.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Journey
03:03 The Intersection of Money and Creativity
08:18 Understanding Money Stories
12:05 Challenging the Hustle Culture
24:44 Teaching Kids about Money
25:38 Teaching Children the Value of Saving, Investing, and Giving
26:34 The Importance of Physical Money and Understanding its Source
27:52 Navigating Financial Conversations in Co-Parenting
29:38 Understanding Opportunity Cost and Making Informed Decisions
30:33 Creating an Environment for Open Discussions About Money

Let’s Connect:

Youtube: https://youtube.com/@herguidedevolution

Instagram: https://instagram.com/herguidedevolution

Connect with Jen

Website – www.jenmoneycoach.com
Instagram – @jenmoneycoach
LinkedIn – https://www.linkedin.com/in/jenmoneycoach/

Free Resources:

FREE Quiz: What is Your Self-Care Personality? https://herguidedevolution.com/quiz/
FREE Daily Self-Care Plan: https://herguidedevolution.com/plan
FREE Journal Prompts: https://herguidedevolution.com/4

Dr. Shanice Jones-Cameron shares her personal struggle with consistency in content creation, addressing the shame and insecurities associated with it. She discusses the challenges of facing insecurities, seeking public validation, and the embarrassment of restarting content creation. Despite these struggles, she encourages others to give themselves grace and restart their creative endeavors.

Takeaways

• Consistency in content creation can be challenging due to the emotional and psychological barriers associated with facing insecurities and seeking public validation.
• The process of restarting content creation after a period of inactivity can be embarrassing and may lead to feelings of shame and self-doubt.
• Giving oneself grace and embracing the process of restarting creative endeavors is essential for personal growth and overcoming the challenges of content creation.

Sound Bites

• “Content creation makes you face all of your insecurities.”
• “Never let fear keep you from beginning again.”

Chapters

00:00 – The Struggle with Consistency in Content Creation

03:37 – Facing Insecurities and Seeking Validation in Content Creation

15:19 – Embracing the Process of Restarting Creative Endeavors

In this episode, Shanice Jones Cameron interviews Mireille Siné, a certified running coach and lupus athlete. Mireille shares her journey of how she got into running and became a running coach, as well as her experience of being diagnosed with lupus. She discusses the challenges she faced and the emotional aspect of living with lupus. Mireille emphasizes that running is not just for elite athletes. Running can be what Dr. Shanice Jones Cameron calls an anchor practice, which is an activity that improves various aspects one’s health and well-being at the same time. Running can help individuals with autoimmune conditions build trust with their bodies and practice self-care.

She shares that self-care for autoimmune conditions can include setting boundaries, having a clear cutoff time for work, and prioritizing rest and social activities. Tips for individuals with autoimmune conditions who want to get into running include being open to different ways of restarting, keeping a running journal to track how their body feels, and being patient with the process. Mireille explains that the mental and emotional aspects of running with an autoimmune condition can be challenging, but it’s important to trust yourself, let go of old stories, and embrace the journey. Developing a strong running identity can help individuals stay committed to the sport and navigate challenges.

Takeaways

• Mireille’s journey into running and becoming a running coach started in college, where she initially participated in track and field for the social aspect.
• Running became an anchor practice for Mireille, providing consistency, discipline, and a sense of control in her life.
• Mireille was diagnosed with lupus after experiencing symptoms such as temperature regulation issues, bone aches, and inflammation.
• The diagnosis and treatment of lupus were challenging, but Mireille found solace in running and used it as a measure of her progress and well-being.
• Running has helped Mireille stay in tune with her body and advocate for her own health, despite the potential risks of inflammation.
• Running is not just for elite athletes; it can be a beneficial practice for anyone, regardless of pace or competition. Running can help individuals with autoimmune conditions build trust with their bodies and practice self-care.
• Self-care for autoimmune conditions can include setting boundaries, having a clear cutoff time for work, and prioritizing rest and social activities.
• Tips for individuals with autoimmune conditions who want to get into running include being open to different ways of restarting, keeping a running journal to track how their body feels, and being patient with the process.
• The mental and emotional aspects of running with an autoimmune condition can be challenging, but it’s important to trust yourself, let go of old stories, and embrace the journey.
• Developing a strong running identity can help individuals stay committed to the sport and navigate challenges.

Chapters

• 00:00 Introduction and Background of Mireille Siné
• 05:02 Mireille’s Journey into Running and Coaching
• 12:47 The Emotional Aspect of Running and Lupus
• 29:54 Building Trust and Self-Care: Running with Autoimmune Conditions
• 35:48 Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Rest: Self-Care for Autoimmune Conditions
• 38:00 The Power of Journaling: Tracking Your Body’s Response to Running
• 44:27 Navigating the Mental and Emotional Challenges of Running with an Autoimmune Condition
• 51:07 Trusting Yourself and Redefining Your Running Identity with an Autoimmune Condition

Where to Find Mireille

• Website: https://www.coachedbymireille.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/heycoachmireille/
• Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/6rqO9mW00hjAuYkMPb2geJ

My coaching program, Beyond Productivity , was born out of my own experiences with motherhood (read: struggling to assume this new identity) and still having this desire to be creative, ambitious, and high achieving. I know the struggle of lacking motivation because you are so overwhelmed that you don’t even know how to break the cycle of self-doubt, procrastinating, feeling like you’re running on a hamster wheel all the time.

I know what it’s like to wake up knowing that your kids need baths, breakfast, to be entertained, and you are looking at all the tasks in front of you, and you just want to crawl back in bed.

I know what it’s like to battle the self-defeating thoughts like – “I have kids so I can’t do X, Y, Z.” “I don’t have time; I don’t know enough.” “Eventually I’ll do X, Y, Z.” All the while, time is passing me by. I’ve spent years planning and working on the same goals only to get get nowhere. I’ve been through it, and I still go through it. And I’ve learned that sometimes I have to actively bring myself back to a place where I can be creative and get into a flow by relying on the tools and strategies that I teach in my own coaching program.

That’s why I feel drawn to this work.

I want to alleviate a lot of the unfair pressure and expectations that mothers often put on themselves while recognizing that we (at least those of us in the USA because that’s where I live) live in a society that demands all this labor from us regardless of how it impacts mothers on a personal level.

So, in this post I am going to share some things you can do when you are a mom who are working from home at least part-time and struggling with time management.

What to do About Poor Time Management

1. One of the first things I recommend for anyone who is struggling with poor time management is to gain awareness.

Gain awareness about any self-defeating thoughts that you may have about yourself, about your ability to parent, about your ability to accomplish what you need to get done during the day. Gain awareness about how you procrastinate and how you spend the time that you do have.

When I think about my friends, family members who often say “I don’t have time” or those folks who are always working on the same project, task, or goal for years and years without making any progress, I know they need more than a new planner or another time-blocking strategy. If you have spent weeks, months, or maybe even years planning to do something and working on a goal, I guarantee there are probably thoughts and habits that are keeping you stuck.

That’s why I think gaining awareness about what’s going on in your mind, how and why you procrastinate is the first step to solving any time management issues.

One of the things that my client said was most helpful about working with me was we spent time figuring out exactly how she was spending her time and why. She was able to see when she was watching Amazon Prime and YouTube videos. This also helped her see why her current time management tools weren’t working. And from there, we were able to organize her schedule in a manner that considered those sneaky self-defeating thoughts and habits that were keeping her stuck.

So, I always say the first step to addressing poor time management is gaining awareness.

2. Next, if you are struggling with poor time management, I would suggest that you learn how to manage self-doubt and negative feelings.

So much of time management involves your mind.And I suspect that if you are struggling to complete tasks and not following through on what you wanted to accomplish, you probably have some self-doubt and uninterrogated beliefs about yourself and your circumstances that are not serving you.

Or, you’re actively trying to avoid being bored, feeling awkward, or some other negative feeling that is associated with the task.When I say self-doubt, this can be self-doubt related to your ability to achieve a bigger goal that is unrelated to your 9-5 job like going back to school, starting a business, applying for a new job.

This can be self-doubt related to your ability to tolerate and handle negative feelings like boredom, frustration, and anxiety throughout your day, so you end up avoiding tasks like email and returning phone calls, which can cause you to lose time during the day. You may have self-doubt related to your ability to be compassionate with yourself because you may think a lot of self-defeating thoughts throughout the day.

If you don’t manage your self-doubt and your negative feelings, in my experience, that’s when you fall into this trap of trying to avoid tasks and procrastinating. Of course, as a mother working from home, you have real constraints on your time. I’m not downplaying that at all.

You know I can relate. But I want you to think about your day. Or think about what you did yesterday. Did you get on Facebook, Instagram, or spend time scrolling through TikTok videos today? Did you watch Netflix, Hulu, stuff on Amazon Prime? If you’re like most people, including myself, you probably did a couple of those things.

And that makes sense because most of us have ways of coping and spending our time that isn’t always aligned with our short term and long-term goals EVEN if you have kids. And that is okay!

Even me, I’m super busy, but I still spent some time on Facebook today. I scrolled through my Instagram a couple of times today because I am working on something career related that is bringing up a lot of self-doubt and frustration for me. That’s why I say, mindlessly scrolling through your phone is not necessarily a bad thing.

We all need time to chill and honestly, just BS on our phone if we want.

But I think it’s also important to consider what may be driving this desire to watch those YouTube videos or get lost in Instagram Reels.

For a lot of us, it’s easier to mindlessly scroll through our phones rather than dealing with the self-doubt or other negative feelings that may surround starting your business, or applying for graduate school, applying for a new job, or even sending an email.

Self-doubt is so sneaky because it can show up as, “I’ll never be able to accomplish that.”

But sometimes self-doubt is hidden under other thoughts that seem unrelated and harmless like, “I don’t have time” or “not right now” or “I’ll get to it later.”

Self-doubt can show up as perfectionism and constantly questioning everything you do. Self-doubt can show up as questioning if you’re a good mother and mommy guilt.

So, if you are struggling to manage your time, I recommend figuring out how you are going to navigate self-doubt and other negative feelings.

It’s important to manage self-doubt because it doesn’t matter if you plan out your schedule perfectly or do time-blocking, you’re less likely to follow through on those tasks if you aren’t actively managing that fear, boredom, and other negative emotion that those tasks bring up for you.

3. My last suggestion is to create a schedule that’s realistic and fits your specific circumstances.

One of the things that I’ve struggled with in the past and one of the things that my client also struggled with is not being realistic about what we can accomplish in a day. If you start each day or week planning all these lofty goals, and you end up not completing everything, this sets you up to fall into a cycle of self-doubt and having low confidence in your ability to manage your life.

Let me give you an example.

My husband, Chris is on a research trip right now, so that means I have all three of the kids while he’s gone for a little less than two weeks.

I am very fortunate to have help—my mom and my sister-in-law help when my husband travels, but as most parents know, the help you receive from family and other people is just different than what you would receive from a partner (at least it should be).

For me, my mom and my sister being here helps so much—but when my husband is gone, I still have to do all the household management tasks—all the laundry, grocery shopping, taking out the trash, cleaning, scheduling for the kids, etc. on top of actually taking care of the kids and working from home.

Considering this, it’s not realistic for me to say that I am going to finish making my syllabi for next semester, get an academic paper under review, record 6 podcast episodes, do 2 interviews for my dissertation all within the next two weeks while my husband’s out of town.

It’s just not realistic. And mothers—that’s often what we’ll do without even realizing it. We know that we are working from home which automatically creates these circumstances where we have to split our attention between responding to emails, figuring out what our kids are going to eat, giving them attention, and then we still think we are going to have the capacity or time to tackle all these tasks.

Most of the time, we’re lucky if we even get to take a shower or get through two things on our to-do list! Society puts all this pressure on women, especially Black women, to do all these things and put in all this labor, both invisible AND visible labor, and we start to internalize those things, which leads to us holding ourselves to these unrealistic standards.

That’s why my program, Beyond Productivity , is designed to help my clients work on self-compassion while we are all navigating internal and external pressures that often lead to us making these impractical schedules and to-do lists.

In all actuality, to be honest, I think a to-do list and/or a schedule can be harmful if you are not using it correctly. That’s why creating a realistic schedule is so important. If your daily or weekly tasks feel realistic and manageable, they are going to bring up a lot less resistance and be a lot less intimidating when it’s time to follow through. And you run less of a risk of falling into this cycle of procrastination self-doubt and not knowing how to get out of it so you can be productive.

Summary: So just to recap, if you are working from home with kids and you feel frazzled, frustrated, and like you have no control over your time and your day, I want to encourage you to gain awareness about any self-defeating thoughts and how you may be procrastinating? I also suggest learning how to manage self-doubt and negative feelings because avoiding these often leads to procrastination. And my last suggestion was to be realistic about what you can accomplish in day considering everything you have going on and be compassionate with yourself.  

If you want to learn to apply the content of this post, apply for a free Making Time for Me Assessment Call today.

Self-Care Mistakes

1. Not defining self-care for you.
2. Not being consistent with self-care.
3. Assuming you don’t have time for self-care.
4. Trying to avoid being perceived as selfish.

Resources Mentioned

• Black Feminist Thought by Patricia Hill Collins
• The Crunk Feminist Collective by Brittney C. Cooper, Susana Morris, Robin M. Boylorn

In this week’s episode, Shanice talks about common self-care mistakes that hold a lot of us back. Self-care is often associated with expensive trips or luxurious massages. But honestly, self-care can be a lot more simple than that, and self-care is different for everyone. Listen to this episode to find out if you’re making these self-care mistakes and how you can be introspective about charting your own path toward well-being.

Full Text

I think of self-care as a set of practices or things you do that contribute to your well-being and bring you joy. And I think self-care probably looks different for everyone. Self-care for me is eating nourishing plant-foods, moving my body (e.g., yoga, indoor cycling, running), allowing myself to feel my emotions, doing things that will bring me joy, taking a few minutes to open Photoshop and designing a graphic or following a web design tutorial because I’m a creative person or things that I find relaxing like soaking my feet with Epsom salt and lavender. I think self-care is giving up instant gratification (e.g., scrolling through Instagram or eating Oreos) to do some yoga poses or doing some CBT exercises or journaling for my anxiety which will contribute to my long-term peace not just short-term pleasure. Of course, self-care may look like something different for you. Which leads me to one of the self-care mistakes I think a lot of people make:

1. One self-care mistake I think you could be making, is not defining what self-care is for you.

We all have different talents, gifts, and things that bring us joy. I think journaling for your emotional well-being, taking care of your body with movement and eating nourishing foods, some type of spirituality if that’s your thing, maintaining healthy relationships, these can be looked at as a baseline of self-care for most people. I have a self-care plan that you can use as a starting point (herguidedevolution.com/plan).

But this is meant to be just that—a starting point. I also think being in touch with our purpose and things that bring us joy, that’s part of self-care.And these are things you have to take the time and figure out for yourself. For example, some people love watching movies or getting lost in a TV show. But for me, unless it’s a reality TV show that I don’t really have to pay close attention to or a documentary where I am learning something (I really like documentaries because of course, I’m a nerd), I’m just not interested. I like designing, coding websites, that’s fun for me. But my husband on the other hand, he loves watching scripted TV. He hates watching documentaries because he’s a professor, and he’s like Shanice. “I literally read, research, teach, and write books about history for a living. I’m not trying to watch a documentary about Ronald Regan.” He is always watching multiple scripted TV shows, and that’s something he seems to really enjoy. I’ll get into a TV show here and there because that’s how he likes to chill and spend quality time.

But it’s rare for me to seek out a TV show and watch it on my own. There are other things that I’d rather do with my time. However, some people like my husband genuinely enjoy watching TV, and some people are really passionate about movies. So, think about what really brings you joy and think about what you find relaxing.

Maybe you used to play an instrument in high school, or you really like drawing. Some people like organizing, crafting, decorating, or planning. I am getting back into digital planning with my iPad because I love the creative aspect of it. You might like doing hair and experimenting with different natural hairstyles and makeup tutorials on YouTube (I like to do this from time to time). Maybe you like experimenting with different scents and essential oils.

So, think about the little things that bring you joy. What do you get lost in? What helps you forget time is passing? Not knowing that answers to these questions and not defining self-care for yourself is something that holds a lot of people back from committing to their self-care. Which leads me to another mistake that I think a lot of people make…..If you aren’t even sure what self-care looks like for you, and you don’t know what brings you joy, then you’re probably going to struggle with consistency.

2. Not being consistent with self-care is another mistake a lot of people make.

Let me give you an example, one of the things I struggle with from time to time is meditating consistently. I have found that straight up sitting down listening to meditation music or deep breathing for 5 whole minutes is a struggle for me. But what has helps me a lot is combining meditation with my regular yoga practice. I do a lot better with meditating consistently when it’s part of my regular yoga practice.

There are all different types of yoga. I typically do Vinyasa Flow or Hatha yoga when I want more of a strenuous body workout type of practice. These are more focused on movement, flowing from one pose to the next, combined with breathing, you can work up a sweat with these more easily. But I’ll do Yin or restorative yoga when I’m in need of more relaxation and more meditation. Yin yoga calls for you to hold one pose for like 3 to 5 minutes, and this is a time where you focus on your breath while you’re holding the pose. This is so relaxing and nourishing, and it allows me to be relax into a meditative state for a longer period of time.

But if I had just got stuck on this idea of a perfect meditation practice that works for someone else and thinking I have to do this unguided meditation and sit in silence for 10 minutes; I would have never discovered that I really love restorative yoga and this is a form of mediation that works for me.

It’s a lot easier to be consistent with your self-care if you figure out what you like and what’s your vibe instead of thinking you have to stick to a narrow template of what meditation or journaling looks like for someone else. Absolutely, use what other people do as your starting point, but tweak and find your own way because that’s what’s going to help you be consistent.

I think you’re much more likely to be consistent with self-care if it’s something that you enjoy and figure out what works for you. Another thing with consistency, is if you are looking for results from your self-care be it in the form of feeling calmer with your meditation practice, getting into the zone, or having more energy because you’re moving your body and eating well, you are not going to see those benefits if you aren’t consistent. If you simply waiting until you feel like doing yoga or journaling then it’s highly unlikely that you are going to see the results that you’re hoping to see from your self-care. It takes time and consistency to benefit from self-care and nourishing yourself in all these different ways. So, a lack of consistency is a mistake I think a lot of people make with self-care.

3. Another mistake is assuming you don’t have time for self-care.

This is a big one especially if you’re a mom or someone who is working full time and have a lot of other responsibilities. “I don’t have time” is such a common excuse for not committing to our self-care or healthy behaviors. I think it’s so common for us to lean into “I don’t have time” because it’s to blame being busy than managing our minds and (by extension our time) and putting in the work to be consistent. And what I want to offer here, is if you are managing your time effectively, I think the vast majority of us have time for self-care or whatever else we want to do.

Let me preface this and acknowledge that having any measure of free time and the resources to indulge in self-care is an immense privilege. A lot of people don’t have the resources to survive let alone think about self-care. I have to acknowledge this because I know this, and I don’t want to downplay that at all. But the women I am targeting with this podcast, your basic needs are more than likely being met.

You have some level of support, you’re smart, you’re more than likely educated, and you’re probably ambitious and health-conscious, so I am assuming a lot this applies to you. And we all have things that demand our time and different responsibilities. We all have varying degrees of childcare and careers. I definitely get it.

I work full-time (I’m a professor). I have three small children. I am working on building a brand, so I get it. When I get a moment to sit down, a lot of times I don’t want to do ANYTHING but just fall out on the couch and put my feet up and scroll through Instagram. I like to do things that I find relaxing like foot soaks and self-massages with sesame oil, but IG feels like the move some days. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

But I also think the cost of not being intentional with my time isn’t worth it most of the time. I think many of us aren’t intentional about how we are using our time because being intentional with your time that takes energy. Being intentional with your time requires emotional work and being aware of how you’re thinking. Most of us would rather distract ourselves by chilling on the couch and scrolling through Facebook or binge-watching TV. And like I said, I’m not knocking anyone for watching TV.

I used the example of my husband earlier. He genuinely loves watching TV, that’s how he chills out. But if you are a person that sleeps in until your kids wake up, clunks out at the end of the night after you put your kids to bed or after you finish your work for the day AND you feel like you’re wasting time procrastinating and you feel icky doing that, I think that’s a signal that you could be managing your time more effectively. So, a self-care mistake is assuming you don’t have time for self-care when you could actually be managing your time more effectively and intentionally.

4. Last, another self-care mistake is trying to avoid being selfish or being perceived as selfish.

This is where most people will tell you that self-care is NOT selfish. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of other people. Look, forget that. I think self-care IS selfish. Self is literally part of the word. It’s SELF-CARE. Y’all know I’m a Communication scholar and a critical scholar at that, so I like to unpack words and the meanings of words all day long. That’s what I do. So, I went to the dictionary.

Selfish, and this is from the Oxford dictionary, is defined as “lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.” Yeah, so that sounds pretty negative. I get it. No one wants to be thought of as being inconsiderate or only thinking about themselves. But sometimes, it is appropriate to be selfish. I think this is especially true if you are a member of a marginalized group. I hate this idea that women are often fed— “we have to be well-rested and take care of ourselves because we won’t be good for our kids or our partners if we don’t.” “You can’t take care of other people if you don’t take care of yourself.” I hate that so much.

Women, and Black women especially, we are not mules. You don’t only deserve rest and care because you have other people to take care of. You deserve it because you’re a human being, and this society is already unfair and unequal to us as it is. I think you have to be selfish sometimes!

Let’s say you decided to let the dishes pile up, so you can chill and soak your feet, I don’t know, whatever you do for self-care. When you decide to prioritize yourself in that moment, it’s probably going to feel like you’re being selfish. You’re so used to everyone lacking consideration for you and just waiting for you to clean the kitchen or fold the laundry, it’s going to feel icky when you take a moment to self-care. And the truth is, in that moment, when you’re letting the dishes or the laundry pile up, you probably are being selfish because you are not considering other people.

And that’s why I’m encouraging you not to automatically associate being selfish with something that’s negative. Any time you operate outside of that expectation of being considerate of other people, you’re probably going to feel bad about that because it goes against the way you see yourself, and it goes against our social order.

Black women aren’t supposed to be selfish and thinking about ourselves. But I want to stress, it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. I think it’s necessary to say, look, mama is a person. And I’m not cooking tonight, the kids are just gonna have to rock it out with the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches tonight, so I can give myself a pedicure.

If you are stuck in this loop of thinking—it’s selfish for me to take a break or take some time out for myself, you’re probably not going to be consistent with your self-care no matter how many Instagram posts you like about self-care or if you download my free daily self-care plan. I also want to point out, choosing to be selfish sometimes doesn’t mean that you are a selfish or terrible person. And I want you to consider, does trying to measure up to this idea of: I have to be selfless. I have to betray myself and what I need, so that other people can be comfortable. I want to you to consider if that thought process is serving you? Does that thought process feel empowering?

I think feeling stuck and procrastinating on whatever goals or dreams you have often go hand-in-hand that is to say that they often occur together. For example, you may feel stuck in your job or career. You may hate your job and where you work, but you don’t fill out applications regularly or you aren’t actively trying to take the necessary steps to create a business. Or, you might feel stuck in a relationship.

At the same time, you are avoiding making a decision to continue the marriage or end the marriage, situationship, or friendship whatever. So, you’re procrastinating on that decision.

Or you may feel stuck in your life in general because you’re in the same routine. You may feel bored with life and like you do the same thing every day, and you hate the monotony, but you don’t really know what to do to get out of this feeling.

You might have thought about starting a hobby, or a side hustle, or exercising to help you better cope and break up the day. But you may not even have the energy to think about what steps you would need to take to start the hobby, or the side hustle, or you don’t feel like exercising most days. Whatever variety, I think when we feel stuck it can feel like a vicious cycle.

We feel disempowered, stuck, and we don’t know what to do. So, we procrastinate and don’t do anything. We stay stuck in the same place (job, career, relationship, unhelpful patterns). Rinse and repeat. I’ve been thinking about areas of my life where I feel stuck and like I’m not progressing as much as I want to.

And this episode is building off of that introspection, and what I’m experiencing. And I hope it might give you some insight into what might be keeping you in this place of feeling stuck, and disempowered.

1. You aren’t aware of your thoughts.

You know, I say it all the time, I’m not a therapist. I am not training to be one. I’ve just been in therapy for a long time, I read a lot, and I recognize the power of thoughts. Our thoughts and our minds are so powerful. That’s part of why so much of therapy and psychology is focused on thoughts. A lot of times a shift in perspective and working with your own mind can be an empowering process. But if you are not even aware of your own thinking, it’s very difficult to intervene when your mind creates this reality or situation that doesn’t serve you.

If you’re feeling stuck, I’m guessing that you have a lot of thoughts that are disempowering. A lot of thoughts are causing you to see your life and your situation from a perspective that isn’t serving you. You may be thinking thoughts where you are focusing on the obstacles in front of you rather than looking for ways to work around the obstacles or think in terms of solutions. Let’s say for example that you feel stuck in your current job or career.

I feel like that’s pretty common for people. You may be experiencing a range of emotions like anger, frustration, and helplessness. You may not even know why you’re feeling this way. But the answer to why you feel stuck in your job is going to be linked to your thoughts and what you are thinking about the situation.

If you are thinking, “OMG I hate this job. And I know I’m not going to be able to find another job because the economy is trash. I hate this co-worker, he/she/they get on my nerves.” Of course, you are going to feel stuck and trapped! Your brain isn’t giving you any other options. Now, you may or may not actually be stuck in this job.

But if this is what’s on repeat in your mind, of course you’re going to feel stuck and not feel confident enough to start applying for jobs or starting a business, or doing whatever you can do to change the situation. That’s why I think it’s important to have that awareness and pay attention to what you are thinking when you feel stuck.

It can be powerful to recognize: “This situation is bothering me. Why is that? How am I thinking about this?” But if you don’t have this awareness…

And if you are completely unaware of how you are thinking about the situation that makes you feel stuck, in my experience, this can turn into what feels like an invisible obstacle. That lack of awareness of your thoughts is often the precursor for putting you in this place where you feel stuck in this cycle of self-doubt, fear, and confusion. And this cycle is what leads to the prolonged procrastination.

If you start to recognize that you are caught in a cycle of self-doubt and unproductive thought patterns, try to be compassionate with yourself. Awareness is often a necessary first step to getting unstuck.

2. You are getting caught up on minor tasks.

Another reason you might feel stuck is because you are getting caught up in minor things that keep you from moving forward. This often happens to me when I am doing something that is a long or multi-step process to complete. Some examples of this might be applying for a new job, or a promotion, applying to go back to school. That would be a long process of searching job ads or researching grad schools.

Doing paperwork, filling out applications, interviewing for the job or in some cases grad programs. You might put off scheduling an important meeting or connecting with someone new because you may have to jump through hoops to find or get their contact information.

You might get caught up on finding the right workout video (I do this a lot when practicing yoga), so you might skip your workout all together. It can literally be anything.

If you have a goal or a dream that you are struggling with and feel stuck in that area of your life, look at the little tasks that you may be getting caught up on and using as a reason to not move forward. One current example for me, is submitting my research for publication.

For at least two weeks, I was thinking, “Oh, I don’t know which journal I should submit this paper to.” Never mind the fact that it took me a grand total of 30-minutes to figure out which journal would be the best fit.

But I spent those couple of weeks stuck on this minor obstacle because I didn’t want to put myself in a position where I was going to feel uncomfortable and intimidated. In other words, it was just easier for me to use that minor obstacle, not knowing where to submit the paper, as a reason to procrastinate, which would make me feel even more stuck and disempowered.

So, I want you to think about the goals that you have, and think about the minor tasks that you might use as an excuse not to pursue your goals, and think about how this might be contributing to you feeling stuck.

3. The third reason, you feel stuck because you are not building confidence in yourself.

I looked up the definition of confidence. I got this definition from Oxford Languages. Confidence I defined as, “the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.” I really like that definition because I think confidence as a concept is pretty straight forward. I feel like confidence is often portrayed as this mysterious thing that you either have or you don’t have.

Confidence, in my view, is often framed as our ability to think we are attractive to other people or have value or worth. But I think the actual definition of confidence, “the feeling that you can rely on someone or something” as a concept makes a lot of sense.

Confidence is trusting yourself and believing that you can rely on yourself. I think most of us want to feel secure and want to feel confident. But I think confidence can feel so elusive and out of reach. I think confidence comes from setting a standard of consistency for yourself and following through on what you intended and said you would do for yourself.

Think about it like this. I want you to imagine that you are dating someone new. And this person that you’re dating is just not reliable. You make plans with that person, and they only show up about half the time. They are really flaky. They don’t text you back consistently. And you just develop this relationship with that person that is based on a presumption of doubt and the awareness that they ain’t ish, and you shouldn’t have any expectations.

Now, let’s imagine that you are dating someone who is really solid. They text you back immediately. They show up when they say they will. They are always there for you when you need to vent, and you know you can count on them. You start to develop an expectation that you can rely on that person, and they start to become someone who is really important to you.

I want you to think about those two relationships that I just described. Which one best describes the relationship you have with yourself?

Are you someone who says you are going to wake up and exercise, and you actually do it? Are you someone who decides that the job or career path you’re on is not in line with the personal evolution and vision that you have for yourself, and so you immediately start filling out job applications or set up an LLC?

Or are you someone who plans to wake up early and exercise, but ends up saying, whatever girl, I’m tired. I’m sleeping in for another 30 minutes. Or do you often say you are going to fill out job applications later on today, but then this evening rolls around and Netflix, Hulu, or mindless scrolling through IG feels like more of the move? If you are like most people (and me), you are probably a combination of both.

Sometimes you follow through, and sometimes you don’t. I say that because the consistency piece is often the hardest part. But those small decisions to wake up early, or fill out that application, or send that e-mail, those become opportunities to strengthen your consistency and ultimately your confidence.

Just like the solid relationship that most of us would want and expect from a partner in order to build trust, that is the same consistency we should strive for when we are trying to build confidence in ourselves. I think it will be really difficult to feel stuck if you were actively building your confidence. So, if you want to get unstuck, I think that mandates that keep those small, everyday commitments to yourself.

FREE Daily Self-Care Plan: https://herguidedevolution.com/plan
FREE Journal Prompts: https://herguidedevolution.com/4

DEFINING THE PROBLEM

WHAT PROCRASTINATION LOOKS LIKE

HOW PROCRASTINATION SHOWS UP

FREE Daily Self-Care Plan: https://herguidedevolution.com/plan
FREE Journal Prompts: https://herguidedevolution.com/4